Love, Unfortunately: Part 1

Preface

I’m more or less a pretty open person, I don’t really have much to hide, I'm very open and honest about myself. But over time and consideration with discussions with certain specialists I’ve engaged with, it might be more beneficial to “get things out” and into words I can reflect on and voice it. I’m an individual who gets seldom embarrassed by personal details about myself so this is fine for me. So feel free take the “entertainment” below as a secondary bonus from my main goals here, lucky you.

A major thing I’ve struggled with, is romantic relationships. Not because I’m the worst or treat those poorly (though I’m no way claiming I’m perfect either, nor even self-claim ‘nice guy’ energy. I’m simply... just me). I've also had my fair deal of positives with many partners historically, but I’d like to speak a little about the series of people, historic events and things that have made drastic influences on me and my perspective of a relationship and love. Some short lived, some long.

Today. I can barely tell what is love and what is not. Is that stare, something I’m supposed to feel back? That deep hug? That kind gesture? The in-depth very personal conversations? Should I even be feeling anything? I do sometimes feel without energy on the ol’ love-o-meter, but for me I feel the bar is on the floor to impress me and show your intentions, romance and care. But with history and experiences it’s really nailed that I also cannot be hopeful when that bar is met or raised. Some might say it was a lot of false hopes, and that hurts.

People sometimes joke about feeling cold with their heart after a bad relationship outcome but I could feel this more and more so, each time and major event I felt more numb to the sensation of what many consider love to be. The sad part is, you’re incredibly aware. You want what you once had, you knew what it was like. Feeling happy, purposeful, supported and that energy being shared. Gosh the last time I felt butterflies in my stomach was a very long time ago.

Heck social media has mentioned this phenomenon before in differing formats. People with good intentions getting completely broken by bad experiences by others over time. Until they are no longer seeking things. Where did the good guys go? Where did the good girls go? If you know, you know.

I know I care for others, I know I’m at least to a level, kind, and have a big heart to go with - all the major building blocks of something great and I've been told this numerous times by individuals. I don't truely believe there is something inherently wrong with me, but the thoughts do creep in time to time. Though I do know I feel like I've been broken.

But anyway, it might be best to go from the start of this big slippery slide.

This will be a multi-part series of these events, how they impacted me, changed me and the learnings that came with. These are all recollections of mine and they may not be perfect. Names have been changed and in some circumstances dates and further details have been omitted or changed to protect identities of those mentioned. The main guts of these stories remain. The focus is just the most influential or serious relationships that have changed me. So with that in mind let’s begin.

Nobody Asked For Character Development This Early.

To give some background from where things started to go in a different direction. It’s 2018. I’m 24, I came out of a multi-year long term relationship. Nothing majorly wrong with it, we just had not done much with ourselves for the relationship to prosper (I also gained a butt ton of weight and that I was certainly not proud of during then). I think it was a shared responsibility neither of us contributed to it. But I recall we both sat down in the living room on the lounge chair both of us with something to say, and we both blurted out that we just didn’t love each other any more and figured it was best to move on. Extremely mutual. I couldn’t believe it.

I wouldn’t say feelings of relief, nor a burden or something incredibly upsetting. There was no screaming or yelling. Tears were indeed shed but it felt, normal? It felt adult. No bad feelings. Like a good ending for us?

For some time after this breakup I had been speaking to a girl called Clara*. We actually met through gaming. Battlefield V was the game we were all playing at the time. I had met her during a match in a party and our teamwork and the others we were with got on well so we moved to sticking together and chats with her, myself and others in Discord. Following a number of good game sessions together with the others, we later went private to continue chatting after the others logged off for the night. That shift happened around early November 2018.

Now Clara was a pleasant to chat with girl, she had a conversation flow I could just hook into and we both kept it going very naturally - everything was a pleasant conversation. We didn’t have any real splits in opinions, just that we were able to talk about anything and it was pretty much an enjoyable experience. I also took interests in her hobbies and what she enjoyed too (I knew Ru Paul’s Drag Race too well as we both got invested on the season that was on at the time). We spoke a lot about ourselves, life and goals.

Now… all good so far right?

Well… Clara was Kiwi and you guessed it, resided in New Zealand. Obviously this was long distance. But we enjoyed our time together, sent Snaps via Snapchat very often. Some playful, jokey and some that were a bit risqué. We genuinely spent many hours a day messaging and some nights turned into calls until 5am. I fondly remembered us discussing the highlights of our countries, places we recommended to go see to each other.

We also had little games of trying to get each other to pronounce names of small towns and cities (if you know Australia we have... a lot based from indigenous Aboriginal names, in New Zealand there are many that are in indigenous Māori. I recall the dreaded 'W' pronounced as a soft 'f' really threw me off sometimes). But as Clara also had some Māori heritage in her family we also had some fun moments teaching me some of the language. This carried for about four months and we got to know each other very, very well.

We didn’t make it some formal announcement, but we were long distance dating. We admitted feelings, we spoke about how well we clicked, and on top we had early real plans to meet up. Flights, little tours of our cities and countries, all that. It was still “let’s meet first before we make it fully official”, but it was real in the ways that mattered.

But… not all was perfect with Clara. Clara had some history. She was also a few years older than me too. She’d been in an extremely long term relationship with her past partner since school and unfortunately… it was not an ideal relationship, if you catch my drift. There was a lot of hurt, mixed feelings and fear to her from him.

She also had a lot going on mentally too. Anxiety, CPTSD stuff, mostly because of her experiences with traumatic events, past partners, her ex and her family. Outdoors with a lot of people, shops and public transport, she struggled. But she’d been seeing a psychologist for a long time. She was doing the work, she was trying, but she was carrying heavy things. I recall long talks we had on how she was on a any given day, or helping put together her game plan to go into the city to help give that support where needed - she appreciated it deeply.

From what Clara told me, she wanted to let go and move on from her ex she had left a while ago. She enjoyed talking to me, the time we spent, the support, the enjoyment we got from each other. She wanted to get out of the pain. Unfortunately her connection to this ex was strong.

And then late Jan, early Feb 2019, the ex started showing up in the background.

At first it was small bits. “He wants to come by to get his things he left last year.” “He’s coming around.” Annoyance about something he did. Confusion. And I’ll tell you what, it’s bizarre seeing a tower collapsing in slow motion but that’s literally what it felt like.

Messages got shorter. Calls less. I felt like I was becoming Clara’s little secret, perhaps partly out of fear of the ex finding out and doing something harmful and partly out of confusion for herself. Of course we’d play games together when we could but I’d get informed that her ex was coming around tonight for whatever it may be - he was trying to come up with as many excuses as he could.

I remember one moment really clearly. We were chatting about her recent holiday, visiting some hot springs, a holiday park with farm animals. Nice creek walks and swims with her family. Proper wholesome stuff. We were talking like normal, the vibe was good, then she went quiet. Quiet quiet. About an hour later she comes back with, “he wants to see me tonight, he's wanting to talk about some things.”

And it’s like… okay. There it is. Again.

We had spoken about it all before. She had told me how she disliked him coming around at times. I tried to give my words of what little wisdom I had (perhaps ‘common sense’ back then), to try and give her the strength she was seeking and push to try and end the drama and pain she had with this guy. She knew I was trying my best, unfortunately she couldn’t muster the strength herself no matter how hard she mentally tried.

From that point I knew what had likely happened that afternoon. Some ex’s try to weasel their way to get back together, sometimes it's successful. I became jealous, hurt, unseen. We had spent so much time into the relationship for it to very quickly change simply because the ex came back into the picture. Clara herself still occasionally tried to reach out on Snap but it was very touch and go. It only fuelled the confusion and building relationship anxieties I had now begun to develop, checking snap reads, checking online times, you name it, I was trying to work out if I was being ignored until the time came by then it was acceptable for Clara to respond. It became a pattern. Delusion was beginning to take hold.

Now I mostly held it quietly and didn’t say anything to her about this. I swallowed it. I don’t control people and that's from my own code of ethics. I don’t want to be that person, especially in her circumstance where her history was said ex controlling her through most of her adult life.

The ex did back off for a bit and her responsiveness moved to me again, and more of a normal vibe returned to a degree…. but I was set in these patterns now, quietly hurting.

Valentine’s Day was coming up. It was the most hated and fearful day for me, mostly because of bad experiences in the past. As a note, if I do Valentine’s Day for somebody, that’s a huge push on my end to get past those experiences and it usually translates to how seriously I took the relationship. We spoke about it and Clara was open to the thought of me doing something.

I decided to not go overboard and just do something straightforward. So on the day I ordered flowers for Clara from a florist local to her, the most I could do from my position catering distance and all. The florist was incredibly busy, I didn't hear about any confirmation of flowers going out for delivery for a very long time to the point where I genuinely worried they’d forgotten. I do recall calling them and yep, it's out for delivery - just late, it's 5pm over there.

I was at home, at my desk, on my computer, trying to be positive about it all. I don’t like Valentine’s Day but this was one of those rare times I wanted to hope and put faith in something. Just one of those times you want to do something nice for somebody and to feel good about it but with those butterflies in your stomach.

I didn’t hear much of a peep until much later that evening when Clara thanked me in a very brief message for the flowers. Then she more or less disappeared again after that short message.

Restless doesn’t even cover it. I tried distracting myself, running through possibilities of what had happened, checking my phone to see if I missed a notification or something. It was that stupid feeling of waiting, even when you know you shouldn’t. This was indeed what I had been fearing, of all days - this day was my greatest fear.

And yep, the ex was back in the picture, and this time it came with a huge pressure moment. Much later I get another message that night. Clara said he came around that evening to discuss things. Singapore, job, urgency, the whole “come with me or don’t” but very judgemental type of thing. For those with sharp eyes, we know this play. Instil urgency, forcing snap decision making and using guilt to get your way on an emotionally troubled and trapped individual.

Clara was confused and stressed, and I could tell she was being pulled in ten directions. I was trying to help, trying to be supportive, trying to be the calm one. She again soon wen't mostly quiet without notice, was lucky enough to see a simple message once a day - this was beginning to hurt again. I knew something was up.

Then I withdrew for about two days.

Not as some grand punishment, more like I was cooked and didn’t know how to talk without making it worse. Her messages were giving me mixed emotions, relief, frustration and annoyance, all at once. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to spiral in her DMs. So I went quiet. After she reached out during those two days and I finally responded to her then worried messages I did briefly mentioned I wasn't in a good headspace - it was very evident she was incredibly upset by that, which is fair. Though, frustratingly ironic as if she does the same it's fine, but where I only once did that behaviour - straight to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Here’s the important clarification though. It wasn’t straight to dumping after that. The relationship mostly recovered. More messages again. More calls. It sort of went back to “okay we’re alright”. But it still wasn’t the same as it was.

The quiet periods kept happening. Sometimes days. Mostly without explanation. And because I’d already learnt the pattern, I was now hyper-aware of it. Less “I miss you” energy. Fewer calls. Less flirting. Less affection. And more anxiety on my side because I was stuck watching the silence like it meant something every time.

Our plans to meet up quietly died too. Not with some dramatic announcement, it just… stopped being spoken about. Like it faded out while we were both pretending it wasn’t fading.

March felt like limbo. I did the usual “cope by moving”. Walks. Hikes. And at home, a long session to just dive deep into another world by playing Metro Exodus. It was a game series we both enjoyed, which is ironic, because even my distractions circled back to her.

Then April happened.

One night she sent some random gifs that didn’t make much sense, and the next day she messaged saying she was wasted and didn’t remember sending them. I was just confused. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I kept it light. No drama. No blame. Just trying to stay steady.

Then it was a couple days of nothing from her.
I was out on a walk when it finally came through.

I’d been trying to do the sensible thing, the “go outside and calm down” thing, because the limbo was chewing me up. The quiet spells, the way she’d disappear for days, then come back like nothing happened. The way our plans to meet just quietly died without anyone saying it out loud. I kept catching myself checking my phone anyway, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t. Because even when nothing happens, you still brace for something to happen.

Then the message comes through, and it wasn’t a small one. I stopped dead, just staring at my phone. It was written like someone had been holding something in for ages and finally couldn’t anymore. Not a casual chat. Not a “hey how are you”. More like, this is the explanation, this is the line, this is the end.

I stood there reading it, rereading it, trying to find a loophole. Trying to find the part where it says “we can fix this” if I just say the right thing.

And then I read that she felt scared.

She wasn’t calling me a monster. She was saying she was scared because she could tell she was hurting me, and she couldn’t handle the perceived responsibility anymore.

That did something to me, but not in the way people might assume.

Because it wasn’t written like “you are a bad person”. It was written like she knew she was hurting me, and it was freaking her out. Like she’d watched me care more and more, watched me get more emotionally invested, and she could feel the pressure of that building. Apparently since Valentines that pressure hit her - my worst fear imagined. Chalk another one up for trying to do something simple and romantic only for it to be thrown back like sand in your eyes. Her reason? The relationship became more real.

She said some really nice stuff about me when I read it back. Things like I helped her through a brutal time, that she felt safe opening up with me, that she felt kind of privileged being someone I could talk to properly. She said she loved me. She said that’s what made it feel real, and that’s why it got messy. Which is fair. It just hurts anyway. Because once she realised she could actually hurt me, she started hiding. Not because she hated me, but because she didn’t trust herself not to damage me, and she could already see it happening.

And I think that’s the part people don’t get unless they’ve been in something like this. Sometimes someone cares about you and it still ends badly. Sometimes being “good” doesn’t save you, it actually makes the stakes feel higher for the other person. Like now they feel responsible for your feelings, and they don’t want to be responsible, because they can barely hold their own life together.

She was under pressure from her own world, grief, stress, ex drama still orbiting, everything. And I was trying to be supportive in the ways I actually could be. I wasn’t just randomly checking in to ease my own anxiety. A lot of the time she’d tell me about something negative that had happened, or something that was stressing her out, or something the ex had done to upset her, and I’d try to be there for that. Sometimes it was just listening. Sometimes it was trying to say something useful. Sometimes it was just trying to keep her steady when she felt like she was tipping. Then if she went quiet for a couple of days after heavy talks, I’d send a simple check-in like “hey you’ve been quiet, are you okay?” because I genuinely didn’t know if she was spiralling or just shutting down.

But what I meant and what she felt were two different things.

In her eyes, it started to feel like too much weight. Like she was carrying herself and now carrying me as well. Like if she stepped wrong, she’d break something. She said the intensity freaked her out, not because she thought I was evil, but because she didn’t feel safe inside the pressure of it. Like her instinct was to hide because hiding meant she couldn’t mess it up. Hiding meant she couldn’t hurt me. Hiding meant she could breathe.

Suddenly further in the message came the knife twist. She said she was still in love with her ex. Shoot.

Whether she meant “still” as in always, or still as in she’d fallen back into it, I don’t know. Either way it landed the same.

I never expected that. Not once. Not from the way we started, not from the 5am calls, not from the plans to meet, not from the way she spoke about him before. That line made me realise I wasn’t standing on the same ground as her. I thought we were moving forward, and she was still looking back. And I didn’t even know I was falling behind.

I can accept that we were both drowning. I can accept she had history and pressure I couldn’t fully see from where I was. I can accept that she felt like she was heading toward a breakdown and needed to cut the pressure somewhere. I get that.

But reading “I felt scared” still messed with me.

Because in my head I wasn’t trying to be scary. I wasn’t trying to trap her. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I was trying to care. Trying to do the right thing. And then you read that, and your brain does not go “oh okay fair enough.” Your brain goes, "what the hell is wrong with you".

It makes you look back at your own emotions like they’re a threat. Like you’re carrying something toxic and you didn’t know. It makes you question your intentions, your personality, your whole vibe. Like maybe I’m not a good person when I’m attached. Maybe I hurt people by accident because I loved in the way I’d want to be loved, and I didn’t realise the way I love could feel like pressure to her. And suddenly being human and showing emotions felt like an abhorrent sin.

I kept walking, but I felt hollow. Not numb. Hollow. Like the part of me that wanted to love properly just got stamped on and told to sit down.

If someone can feel scared while I’m trying to love them, then what does that make me.

And once that thought gets in, it doesn’t really leave.

This was my beginning into some rather emotionally challenging relationships going forward. I did say it was a slippery slope didn't I?

Stay tuned for the next rambling, titled:
"Hey watch this! *Out-trauma's, your trauma*"